I no longer take the shape of my back as proof that I’m inhuman and disgusting, but it’s still difficult to accept. I can’t find pictures of fat people with vertically crooked spines when I want to feel better about mine. I’m the only one I know of. Even in these pictures I realize I’ve subconsciously tried to straighten my back. This is my back with my best posture. In my regular posture I look like someone who was cut apart above the butt and then was stacked back together with the top half placed about six inches too far back. In sixth grade some girls in gym class poked my back and ran away, laughing. And it’s the one thing I don’t think I can get over. My body proportions are so very wrong—my belly sticks out more than my butt. I have a hump in my mid back that sticks out more than my belly. I know the proportionate body is a social construct. I know that not being able to arch or even straighten my back is not even that big of a deal. But to have a back that doesn’t move the way it should and definitely doesn’t look the way it should and to have never found a single person who I share this seemingly strange shape with, it’s fucking difficult to not feel deformed. And to not feel like being deformed is a bad thing. My body can make unique and interesting shapes thanks to my back. At this point I don’t feel bad about it, or at least I can manage my bad feelings about it. I still get anxiety about the very idea of wearing a bikini, not because of the size of my body but because of its shape. But I still want validation that this is abnormal, that the bullying wasn’t just in my mind, that my obsession over this abnormality was actually about something that existed. I originally took these pictures as a jokey OOTD to talk about how tired I am and how I don’t want to wear clothes for the rest of the day but then felt like I needed to justify these images with a backstory. But I’ve written this post before under similar pictures. I wonder how long it will be until I can post pictures where my crooked back is visible without writing a long fucking reflection to accompany them. TL;DR it’s weirder than it looks.